hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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