I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
