After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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