Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
