were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
