Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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