regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
