i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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