i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize