from now on my penis is your penis
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
