We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
