Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
