Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
