Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
