Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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