I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I can't put those talents on a resume
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
