Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
