i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
this boner is exhausting
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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