People with herpes should wear stickers.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I fill condoms, not promises.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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