Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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