i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
True strength comes from lack of pants
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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