Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
