you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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