Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
