Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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