I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
