He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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