There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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