No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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