I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
