Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
