I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
