apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
