Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
