Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
