I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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