Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
