I wish I could punch you in the face.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
