tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
