dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
