Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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