and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
