Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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