so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
