is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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