Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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