It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
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