don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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