My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
