I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
