Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
