tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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