Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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