sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
