That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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