he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
