so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
