Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
