I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize