i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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